body snatched... el que se enoja, pierde

im over my obligatory i miss my X rant for the month. i made a serious oversight on my analysis of a former situation. having corrected that, things will now be better...hopefully... excepting the painful pull in the leg resulting from acting like a teenager when clearly, i am not.

3 shooting stars fall from the sky, laying in the grass of the cemetery. fence jumping, coffe binging, laying among the dead, talking, freezing, realizing how much warmth i get from this girl. she has kept me going when its been the hardest. i appreciate that. martin described it thusly: some people have magic. it is magic in their construction. you two have it.

of course he said that in spanish. i liked that way of describing it. something so simple and so raw. we talked about our first impressions of each other - she and i. she said something particularly interesting. that when she saw me, she knew i had a broken heart. that first day i walked into the office, i went outside to smoke a cigarette, and i looked like i needed it. i looked desperate. shes glad im better, stronger, more myself.

so today i was both exhausted and got a punch in the ovaries when i heard that j was seeing somebody else or had been - not really sure which. you never really want to hear that. not even now when im in a good place and want her to be happy, even if its not with me. that part of me doesnt want to know that im replaceable. we all are i suppose. i guess that foolish part of me really does think she loved me as much as i love her. maybe im just stupidly romantic, thinking well i love this person, and i only want to be with them, so i dont even pay attention to anyone else.

then again, maybe that has to change. maybe i need to stop being a blind fool to the reality of my situation. shes gone, moved on, and now that ive pulled my shit together better, maybe i have to do the same. its just really hard to let go of a fairy tale, of something that i want to change.

i hopped that fence, and thought of the guy who thought he was a ninja and impaled himself trying to leap over a fence. luckily, that didnt happen to me.

just now i read a piece of advice i really liked. find somebody that you would trust with your life.

for now and until the foreseeable future, thats me.

reason #84

wow. i found a site that will chris brown keep his anger under control. seriously. i dont even know what to say about this idea. theres a website thats supposed to help advocate against violence against women, but you use your mouse to slap a woman and the site rates you from pussy to gangsta while club music plays in the background.

im not even joking. check it out.

hit the bitch.

i will be the one who will break my heart

you know... ive come to the conclusion that i'm pretty damn adorable sometimes.



there are things that i am grateful for having done.

to eat a melting hot glazed donut on a park bench in minus 50 degree weather while talking about revolution, macrobiotics, and love.
to see that there are people like me out there, who tear up when talking about a broken heart.
to find a great tshirt that has ford written on it with a picture of a truck.
to listen to feist while drinking my tea.
to dangle modifiers.
to twitter.
to borrow somebody else's heart to keep my body warm for a few moments.
to love somebody so much that i burn and dont mind the pain.
to break my heart over and over again with each letter i read.
to get back up and keep going.
to want it forever and not just for a day.
to hang my head on a toilet & propose marriage.
to have left a country for a girl.
to know mario vargas llosa's works.
to wonder why he & garcia marquez had a fight that ended their friendship.
to look up the word pishtaco.
to learn about mao.
to want to kiss a girl because in her eyes i can see vulnerability even if its nowhere else.
to be me.

in other news... the BBC thinks that juarez needs anarchy... and theres a couple of people that are starting to believe chavez might actually provoke war with colombia. i read all of those from salon, BBC, & the huffington post tonight @ worker meeting.

maybe i need some anarchy in my life.

anarchy in mexico

ive been trying to plan a trip to el paso to pick up my 4runner. b wants to go along to see ciudad juarez & all the places i talk about there. i dont know if i should take her. its not exactly a safe place right now, much less for a guera like her.

this place is goin bananas.

anarchy in juarez?

aqui estoy tu lado y aqui espero hasta el final

youd think after the intensity of death in the andes i would take a break, find something softer to read. no.

my understanding of love comes from several books. the most important & influential? wuthering heights.

then i wonder why i'm so fucked up? in wuthering heights, neither heathcliff or catherine can exist without the other, & when they try, they destroy themselves. but their love exists beyond anything else. beyond death. beyond life.

ive picked norwegian wood up again. so i can cry it out. because lets face it. i dont mind the pain.

confessions of a love sick idiot

sigh. sigh. sigh.

i just finished reading death in the andes.

it hurts me. it appalls me. it made me put my hand back over the scar on my heart, look around desperately for my heart, realize that a girl from the hood has it.

like the inscription in my book says:

it is better to be a part of beauty for one instant and then cease to exist than to exist forever and never be a part of beauty. don marquis

before xtina left, we were driving around on our way to run, and shes always been really curious about jazmin, & she asked me suddenly (because i told her about my promise to send a bus ticket) if i still meant that. i know why she asked. bc shes leaving for 6 months and plans to marry carlos when she comes back. in her own way, i know she wants to believe in love.

so would i still send for j when things werent as messy? even if it meant being heartbroken again when she doesnt show up. or shes with somebody else. or any number of things?

yes. its been 7 months, and ive still got a bus ticket waiting for her. i still feel the absolute same as i did a year ago. i still feel the absolute same when i packed my shit up and left. i still feel the same when she told me we were too different, that i couldnt be trusted. when she turned the knife in me. lets face facts folks. i love this girl. i want us to work shit out. i want it to be like our first kiss. it was awkward, and neither one of us knew what to do, but we did it, and then gradually, it got better and better.

i realize maybe its a bit sick. & i know this sounds kind of dumb, but i feel a lot like jacob black in twilight, when he imprints. i feel like ive been imprinted. and theres just not anything i can do about it.

i dont mind waiting. im a waiter. a weighter. love is always worth waiting for. i mean, really, who else has ever promised to buy me a mafiaso house? or let me be a mafiaso? ive got this rather large obsidian knife sitting in my room. id really like to give it back toher. i dont know if that will ever happen. i could be waiting a long long time.

the book i am reading

agrees with mercedes. "when men fall in love, theyll do anything. women are colder."

its true. women will cut your heart out, and youll still worship them after.